Why did I crushed my smartphone

Bye bye my smartphone. I finally destroyed you. I am giving you back for everything that you did to me. You were destroying me for years, but guess what, it seems that I am stronger than you. Buhaha. Yes, you did control me. You did have power over me. But I am boss here. And if I want, I can do whatever I want with you.

But lets go back few years. Lets go back to 2008. This is the year that I got my first phone. I was 12, 13. It was not a smartphone but it was modern phone for that time. Having phone made me feel cool. I could have like 7 songs on my phone. So for whole days I was listening to same 7 songs and when I got sick of them, I would replace them for 7 different songs. In 2010. I got my second phone. It was not smartphone, but I was able to use Internet and I could use Facebook. And that was all I wanted. I can tell you one thing. Before Facebook, life was much more innocent. Facebook just perverse my mind. It poisoned my soul. I am not saying that Facebook is bad, but I am just saying that I didnt know how to use it properly. I didnt understand its purpose. However, in 2013. I got my first smartphone. That was supposed to be a memorable day in my life, a special day in my life… I cant believe how superficial I was. But ok, I was just a kid. I forgive myself. I had no self-awareness. I got it for my 18. birthday. And I was happy because it is my 18. birthday (in Croatia when you are 18, you become an adult), and I was happy because of my smartphone. I got drunk with my friends. ‘Friends.’ Most of those people I havent been in contact for years, but I get it, you are young, you are stupid, you have to go through that. No problem. It is a part of growing up in today’s society.

My high-school days I passed on my smartphone and partying. I wouldnt do that if I was a Spartan soldier, but because I live in liberal world, I can be teenager and be useless and waste my life and not have anyone to direct me to meaningful path in my life. It is a weakness of modern society, but ok, I grow up like that and now I dont want to change it.

In 2015. When I quit college, I finally started to understand that everybody are going in their own direction and that anymore I will not have to be a part of some school or college… a part of me finally relaxed. I dont have to constantly compare myself with other people. Now I am far away from them and I dont have to follow them anymore and I dont have to watch their pictures and their egoistical public expression on social media. I had many friends on Facebook. In real life, I was friendless. So, 2015., I finally deleted my Facebook account. It was such a relief. My mental health improved tremendously. I disappeared from the world and I like it. I exit that circus.

I remember once when my smartphone got broken and for a week, I used some old phone that didnt even have Internet as option. And I remember that week being so intense and full of life. I had mental clarity, but more important, I had desire to engage the real world. I had a desire to socialize with people more. I had to look for my fun and stimulation in real world. That week felt amazing. Next week, I got new smartphone and I was back to my old habits. Spending hours on my phone, scrolling up and down, seeing so much, exposing myself to so many stimulus, making myself miserable because I will never live to all these expectations and so on. And one day, long after that experience, I remembered that week without smartphone. So I decided to experiment little bit. Lets limit time that I spend on this little box. So I had different tactics. Lets use my smartphone only in the evening when I am done with everything that I am supposed to do that day. Then I tried to not use my smartphone at all. Only for calls and when I need something… However, experimenting with life without smartphone resulted very well. I was more focused, disciplined, engaged, I had a strong presence of mind and I gain some confidence. I am doing something that most modern people cant do. I mean, they can but they wont because they have a very big attachment to this little thing. And I was able to spend days without even looking at my smartphone. And then every now and then I would fall and get back to my old habit of scrolling Internet mindlessly. But I didnt had a problem to get back on my journey. So, my usage of smartphone has constantly be on and off. But whenever I am not using it, I feel so much better.  

At one period I had very good control over myself. Exercising my discipline over smartphone got spread on other areas of my life as well. Usage of my computer, listening music, spending time with wrong people, food consumption… It helped me achieve more power over my mind. I was not anymore pushed by some strange impulses. I had more control over them.

But in last few months, something happened. I just cant put down my smartphone for a long time. I can go maybe one day of not looking at it, but very soon I am picking it up and mindlessly do something on it. It is a huge waste of time. Of course I cant blame my smartphone for having no focus and discipline, but for sure, smartphone makes distraction even more easily. And I am witnessing how this little mother fucker is stealing my happiness. It is controlling me. It became a chemical addiction. This little screen is perfect when it comes to producing dopamine in brain. And that is what it is. Whenever I feel down, lost, dry… instead of processing these emotions and finding my ground in that chaos, I pick my phone because it gives me an instant dopamine hit. That is more easier than facing all this serious problems. But thats not life. You are making yourself dysfunctional because of that. And that is with every addiction.

Although I can discipline myself over my usage of smartphone, I decided that it is better to break it, crush it and to leave it behind me… Because this little box has made me so unhappy in last few years. Enough. I am not letting it anymore to steal my joy. And so I destroyed my smartphone completely, in little pieces. It was catharsis. Emotional relief. Something with this idea of destroying it made me really happy.

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