I always had a problem with keeping a job. If you read my previous post, you can see that also I always had a problem with authority.
But why? Why I cant keep a job? Is there something wrong with me? And I am writing this because I did met few people that have the same problem like me.
For a long time I was blaming like myself. I was trying to fix that which I was lacking. Why I cant keep a job? Am I lazy? Am I irresponsible? Am I low ambition?
I have been called this things before. And I always hated when someone called me that because I dont feel that I am like this. And after some time of reflection and figuring out who I am, I came to conclusion that it is totally opposite. You know what, I am too ambitious to keep a regular job. I want big things, big projects, meaningful life, adventure… I dont want to sound like snowflake…
Reality is, I have only been successful in jobs where I was alone. I hate when my environment is made of mediocre people. In my mind I always have big ideas, I am thinking about future, I am thinking about all projects that I want to do, I am thinking about skills I want to develop… Constantly I am developing something in my mind. And my colleagues are talking about which sandwich they are going to eat, results of yesterday soccer game, how politics sucks, how everything is miserable, gossip and so on and on. They are talking about trivial stuff. I dont want to talk about that, it is making me miserable. I want to be far away from such people. So almost everywhere I go, environment is hopeless. And if I say that I think that we live in best era ever, with so many possibilities, choices, advantages… they look at me like I am crazy and they continue to talk about yogurt, bread, milk, complaining about everything. I dont fit in. I think situation in world is good, in fact, it has never been better…but I am not allowed to think like this. I must also complain, use their language, be depressed, be miserable, stay small, forget about big things and big visions, be more realistic and I dont know what not.
This is why I hated school. I wanted to fit in just like everybody else. So I was compromising a lot on who I am just to be in the same box like everybody else. But I dont want to follow soccer and talk about it.
People have always been that way. In Ancient Greece, in Old Rome and today. They want entertainment, food and sex.
They always give power to other people, they dont control their lives and they always focus on what is given to them.
And no I am not talking about conspiracy or anything similar. I am talking about shallowness of their minds.
Ok, but what is way out? You are extremely independent, have big goals, want to do things your own way, hate mediocrity… What is way out? How can you escape all this? You know you can do more but you have to compromise for less. Isnt that sad?
Well, I can tell you one thing. If you want to escape all this and find your own path, it is going to be a bloody adventure. I am not there yet. Will I ever be? I am sure that I will. I do not accept anything less than life on my own terms. Until then… A lots of suffering and frustration is in front of me.