I am a big lover and hater of authority.
Let me explain that.
I recognize the role of authority. I recognize the need of it. I really do respect and admire people that have strong authority. But one thing I dont like. I dont like to be told what to do. Specially not from weak authority and there are plenty of them out there. If you are an expert in something, I am more than humble to listen what you got to said. But at the end of the day, I want to make my own decisions, manage my own time and live to my own rules. And when someone pushes me, it is never good. It is not that I am going to make any trouble, but rather, I am going to withdraw, repress myself. Because I recognize that this person doesnt have bad intentions and I cannot be rude to them. They dont deserve it. I respect them, but I just cant function when someone tries to guide me.
And for long time I was thinking that something was wrong with me. I tried to fix it. I tried to force myself to listen to other people, believing that maybe they do know better. Not listening to them probably means that I am too egoistical. I should be be more compromising and etc. And it took me some time to realize my desires and who I am. I am having trouble with authority because deep down I want authority. I want power. I want to have influence. I want to be someone. I want to be leader. Yep, thats right, I said it. I am power hungry.
But let me tell you something else. When I am given my freedom, when my need for independence is fulfilled, I am very polite person, compassionate, empathetic, sacrificing for others. Overall, I am satisfied. But when I dont have my freedom and independence, when I try to compromise with my desires and needs, I become passive-aggressive. And people are telling me, you should relax, be nice, smile, be polite. But I cant unless I am not the master of my universe. I am becoming destructive when I am not in charge.
And when you think more of it, it is a nature of men. Men are born to be free, to be wild, to be in charge, in control, to not have someone dictating them what to do. Man should dictate to himself what he is going to do. And nature of men is to be assertive and even aggressive if you try to push them. And real men always care for weaker. They love women and children. They protect them. They build houses for them. They will even die for them. They will go to the ends of the world if they have to, but just dont tell them what to do.
But I grow up listening to other stories. Always be polite, be considerate of other people feelings. Dont be too assertive, dont be dominant, bow down to other people, listen to others. Explain yourself. No my friend. It is all a lie. When I try to be good boy, I am just weak. But when I listen to my guts and do things my own way, that is when I shine. Then I am most loving and caring person to be around. Then I am authentic in my kindness.
So I dont understand men that doesnt have need for independence, for control, for power. Every boy when he is young, he wants to do great things, big things, he wants to be hero, he wants other people to admire him… And that is a nature of man. Man is not born to be told what to do. Man is born to dominate, to create, to produce, to make things happen, to be active, not passive.
I am not saying to be deaf to what other people are telling you. But you have to be careful who are you listening to. When my mother comes and gives me an advice, I never listen. I cant. I love my mom to death. I love her beyond everything, but she is a woman. She cannot give me the real advice, she doesnt understand my needs and desires. She it too much occupied with her own worries and limitations and she imposes that on me. And that is what people are doing. They are always projecting on you their own limitations. And being someone power hungry as I am, I understand that I cannot do big things by having so many limitations in my life. So usually I get very frustrated when someone is trying to prove me something. I need to protect myself from that. And then you get labeled as…I mean, you get all kinds of labels. But in my eyes, it is manipulation. Whenever someone is outside of your limitations, you try to convince them how they are naive, how they will not make it and etc.
Reason why I am writing this is because I remember than once when I was reading about people that have problem with authority and hate to be told what to do, these people have mental illness.
And once again, I do respect and I do admire authority, strong authority, not your average boss or CEO of company… But I want to be in position of influence as well.
Problem with modern psychology is that it doesnt understands different types of people. I finally come to realization that I dont have mental illness, it is just my nature. Independent nature. Does this type of personality has weakness? Absolutely. But it has strengths as well. And part of growing up is I believe learning to accept your good and bad sides. Those bad traits makes you who you are. You are not full without them. And to be honest, stop trying to be perfect. People have real fear of imperfection. And I am saying this because I do have it as well. I am afraid to be less than perfect. Of course I am learning how not to be because you are wasting your life if you try to be perfect and try to please everyone.
And at the end of day, if God decided to create me with mental illness, then ok, I am good. I am fine being mentally ill. I dont want to change it. In fact, it is not my fault. I didnt create myself. Someone is born without leg, hey man, you dont try to change that. You try to embrace this person, not to put him/her down.
I am only sarcastic. I dont believe that I am mentally ill. Let me tell you one thing. If our ancestors were nice good boys trying to not hurt someone feelings, we would never survive as species.